i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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