I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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