My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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