if i can run in heels then i can drive
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
