You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
