I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
