I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
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There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
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Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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