Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
