what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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