turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Randomize
