woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
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No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
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As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
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