I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
