the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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