is your mom at the bar?
I must be too annoying 4 u.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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