I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
