Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
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