So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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