apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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