Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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