Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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