It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
