3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
