I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
