I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
