I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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