I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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