smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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