Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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