I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
