Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
