I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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