Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
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