At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Please don't give away my fajitas
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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