im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
