I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
