Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
