i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
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Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
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He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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