He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
