rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
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You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
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I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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