I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
