Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
