Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
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