and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
