im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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