I accidentally had phone sex last night
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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