Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
