nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
