i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
