Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
