Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
barbara walters just said penis...
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
