they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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