She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
