Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
