feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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