Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
