I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
