I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
