shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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